22
01/10
Don't be like a tiger when you're having an argument
The TV show “Two and a Half Men” is one of my favourite sitcoms. I enjoy watching even the reruns as a way of completely disconnecting and just having a great laugh. I always feel recharged after the half hour, although it’s rare that I take away any key lessons. This particularly episode was different.
In this episode Charlie Harper has to negotiate with his brother’s ex-wife Judith’s women’s group about why he is not a bad influence on his nephew, Jake. The women are up in arms that Charlie’s hedonistic lifestyle is having a bad influence on the 10 year old Jake. So Charlie walks into the lion’s den as it were, to negotiate his case. He walks into Judith’s house where there are group of ladies, all hurting from broken relationships in the past and are really looking to put the boot into Charlie. The episode is absolutely hilarious but what I learned from it was:
In times of conflict:
1. Look at the consequences of solving the conflict versus letting it blow over.
Sometimes, a confrontational situation can just blow over or can be ignored. Other times it needs to be solved. In Charlie’s case, he had to go and sort the situation out because otherwise he would not be able to see his nephew again, which is something he could not even consider. Leadership is knowing which conflicts need to be resolved and which can be ignored.
2. If the conflict needs to be faced, then face it!
Most of us prefer to run and hide whenever there is a challenge or a conflict we need to face because it is unpleasant. Well, that can often end up making the conflict situation worse. If you do not take out the weeds when they are small, they will end up taking over your garden. The same applies to conflict. I’m not talking about being someone who goes looking for a fight, but rather be someone who does not run away when the situation causes you to stand firm.
3. Don’t point score.
Many of us in conflict situations attempt to protect ourselves, our job, our reputation or just our ego by trying to prove that we’re right and the other person is wrong. However, the problem is that the other person is trying to do the same thing. As a result, the conflict only gets worse and over time, people sometimes even forget what the original cause of the conflict was. It just becomes a case of proving that you are right and the other person is wrong. Unfortunately, many marriages break up because of this one thing. If the relationship is important to you, the first step in any conflict is to shelve your ego. I’m not saying you need to allow yourself to be trodden on. I’m just saying that once you put aside your ego, you have a better chance of reaching a far better outcome for both parties.
4. Know Your Outcome:
When Charlie went in to meet the women’s group, his outcome was to make peace with them and show that he was a good influence on Jake. His outcome was not to go and prove he was right and have a good argument, although that was his first inclination. When there is an argument or a spirited debate brewing, be clear on your outcome. Have you ever got into an argument with someone and after a while you forgot what you’re arguing about but you just keep arguing? Generally, when this happens it’s because we’re just feeding our ego and trying to prove we’re right. What does that do for the relationship?
5. Be willing to see it from their side:
This is a tough one since a conflict often arises because we don’t see things in the same way as the other person. At the extreme, religious wars happen because neither side are willing to look at things from another point of view. However, it is the person who makes a genuine attempt to understand the other person’s point of view, who will be able to get the best possible outcome from any conflict. On a side note, I’ve often found that when I try and see things from another perspective, I learn more about the situation and we end up with a better outcome than if I had simply acted on my own perspective.
6. If you have made a mistake, accept it.
In today’s society where we are encouraged to shun responsibility and find someone or something else to blame, I’m suggesting you stand out from the crowd. Be the person who has the courage to accept your mistakes and you’ll be surprised at the respect you get from your peers. Sure, some people will still have a go at you but that’s because they are feeding their own security. And really, once you accept that you’ve made a mistake, what more can be said about the issue? More often than not, I’ve found that when I admit making a mistake, I go from a feeling of powerlessness to being back in control again. Admitting your mistake can also often defuse the situation and both parties can now work towards a solution. People will often forgive mistakes of the mind (where a genuine error is made) but they won’t as easily forgive mistakes of the heart (covering up the initial mistake, lieing, blaming someone else etc).
7. Be real
Again, I’m asking you here to stand out from the crowd and be true to who you really are. Accept your human frailties. Charlie does this well by first accepting how his behaviour could be a negative influence on Jake, owning up to his mistake and acknowledging the fact that he is still learning how to act around a 10 year old kid. He admits that he loves Jakes and would never do anything to harm him – and if there is anything the ladies can suggest for him to change his behaviour he would. When you are that authentic and that real, people will warm to you and they will more than likely forgive you. This is exactly what happened in the case of Charlie Harper. In fact, the ladies all ended up completely warming to Charlie and went over to his place for drinks. Now that’s conflict resolution from the expert!
So next time you get into a conflict, remember the Charlie Harper 7 step process to resolving conflicts. I guarantee that you’ll be a happier person, the people around you will be happier and if it’s in a work environment, your team will work harder to achieve things for you. Try it out and see and then let me know how you went.
If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it.
Hi. I am a long time reader. I wanted to say that I like your blog and the layout.
Peter Quinn
Thanks Peter, I appreciate the feedback!